How to fill out the new, incomprehensible money laundering forms (satire)

Great news! Small business owners who have their hands full trying to keep their doors open now get to spend their potentially non-locked-down Christmas fighting financial crime as a superhero! Well, I suppose filling out anti-money-laundering forms is as good a pastime as any when the in-laws start getting on your nerves.

The good news is that the forms are totally optional. It’s just something your bank needs if they are to provide you with continued banking services, and that of course can come in handy when trying to make (and, very occasionally, take) payments. It doesn’t help that by the banks’ own admission, the forms can take up to an hour to complete and are fairly incomprehensible to the uninitiated to the colorful world of trillion dollar global drug cartels.

But be of good cheer, because one of your favorite humorists is coming to the rescue. Below, I have summarized some of the key questions they ask about your business and yourself as well as sample answers that I’m sure you can easily adapt to your own circumstances, whether you are running a gym, pub or hair-dresser’s. (In the unlikely event that you are in fact running an intercontinental narco business, you are strongly advised to disregard any of the below and to run with personalized advice from your $5,000-an-hour lawyer).

Q: Do you expect your turnover to increase/decrease by more than 20% next year?

A: That is the question that is keeping me awake at night. I guess it depends on the Covid vaccine and stuff?

Q: Does your business have a taxpayer identification number?

A: Sure do. The Revenue kind of forced it on me. If you are aware of ways to discreetly dispose of it, I would be keen to hear about them.

Q: Are any of your clients located in Cuba, Iran or North Korea?

A: Nope. For some strange reason I don’t seem to be able to drum up any business in those places.

Q: Do you provide any goods or services to the government of Belarus?

A: Truth told, it had never occurred to me to pitch to them. Thanks for the lead!

Q: Is your business family owned?

A: Have a wild guess! (Spoiler alert: any serious investor would have pulled the plug by now).

Q: Do you personally guarantee your company’s debt?

A: Are you smoking the carpet?!? No one in their right mind would guarantee anything in the current environment.

Q: Are you a beneficiary or settlor of a trust overseen by trustees with links to exposed persons within the meaning of article 2,345 paragraph 6,789 of the Joint Global Effort for the Containment of Criminal Conduct in Connection with the Finance of Illegal and Potentially Harmful Substances, commonly referred to as the JGECCCCFIPHS?

A: Heck, I don’t understand a word, so I suppose the answer is No.

Q: Do you or a close relative work for the government?

A: Unfortunately no, but I see where you are coming from and would love to hear more about ways to get in on the crony-ism racket.

Q: Has anyone ever offered you a multi-million-dollar reward for using your bank account?

A: Lol.

Q: Has anyone ever offered you billions of dollars for performing any services whatsoever?

A: ROTFL.

Q: Thank you for your time and patience. We will be contacting you shortly with follow-up questions.

A: Oh goody, looking forward.