US election Special — all you really don’t need to know (satire)
Q: Is it true that the US election outcome will be determined by Russian and Iranian hackers?
A: It’s hard to say for sure, but for now, it looks like the North Koreans aren’t touching this one with a barge pole.
Q: Are any hackers trying to undermine our democracy by declaring a winner prior to any official announcements?
A: Of course not. Only our mainstream media would be that crude.
Q: What is the point of hacking a US election?
A: It’s great practice for more interesting jobs, such as hacking a Bitcoin exchange.
Q: How can Donald Trump calmly be playing golf while this election drama unfolds?
A: Well, technically, he is still the President. So you would expect him to carry on with the highest priority presidential task on the greens.
Q: What is the minimum age to be running for President in the US — 70?
A: Technically, the minimum age requirement is just 35, but Americans like candidates who double down.
Q: What are the geopolitical implications of the election?
A: There aren’t any.
Q: But there are so many moving parts! For instance, could the Nordstream 2 pipeline get built during the next presidential term?
A: No. Germany has excellent engineers, so this pipeline will almost certainly be completed before the Supreme Court decides on a President.
Q: Would a Biden presidency result in a new deal with Iran?
A: I doubt that Iran will ever bother with signing a US document again.
Q: Would a Green New Deal stop climate change?
A: I don’t know. But it would probably stop the media moaning about climate change.
Q: Is there any risk at all that the election debacle will negatively affect the US’ standing in the world?
A: Nah. We’re used to it by now.
Q: You don’t think that China will use the situation to their advantage?
A: I don’t think China is paying any attention. Last time I checked, they were busy executing on an ambitious 100-year plan. They would never get anywhere if they interrupted every time some banana republic tries to hold an election.
Q: What about France?
A: Last time I checked they were busy managing their Covid crisis and negotiating post-Brexit fishing rights.
Q: The UK?
A: Last time I checked they were busy sorting their Covid crisis and Brexit (and not just the fishing rights…).
Q: Germany?
A: Last time I checked they were busy sorting their Covid crisis and completing the Nordstream-2 pipeline.
Q: So who is the President of the United States?
A: Currently, an individual named Donald John Trump is the 45th POTUS.
Q: I mean, when and how will we know the final, definitive outcome of these elections?
A: Sorry, I’m not an election lawyer.
Q: Are there any learnings we can apply to the 2024 election?
A: Absolutely. Throw out your TV weeks before the campaign starts.
