Your coronavirus questions answered (satire)
As we are all grappling with the confusion about the effects of the virus on our daily life, this blog summarizes the most irrelevant questions about the lockdown and the food supply, along with answers guaranteed to be singularly unhelpful as they have been designed purely for comic relief
Questions on the lockdown
Q: Can elderly people still walk their dog?
A: That is fine, provided they have a valid certificate from their vet confirming that the dog does not currently display any symptoms and has not recently been on a cruise ship that sailed through the Mediterranean, the strait of Hormuz or the South China Sea.
Q: Can I rent out my dog to anyone who is desperate to leave their house?
A: That is possible, subject to the aforementioned constraints. However, it is currently unclear how a dog rental business could affect your chances of getting a government bailout.
Q: I read somewhere that people with a risk factor should self-isolate for 12 weeks as a precaution. For how long should I self-isolate if I have several risk factors? For example, what if I am over 70 years old AND caring for a sick dog AND pregnant with triplets?
A: It sounds like the virus is going to be the least of your worries. I wish you the very best of luck in all of your endeavours. As a general rule, all households with triplets should self-isolate until the babies reach school age and thank you.
Q: My work is completely non-essential. Can I still claim exemption from the lockdown on the grounds that I am immune to every pathogen under the sun, having grown up in a doctor’s household and having successfully completed a science degree despite numerous lab accidents that included accidentally swallowing the bacteria I was supposed to grow in my petri dish?
A: I don’t think anyone’s looked into that. I always thought I was the only person who met that description.
Q: I left home briefly this morning to exercise. When I got back, my beloved 99-year-old grandmother called and asked me to urgently get her some life-saving medication. What will happen if I leave the house for a second time? Will I get arrested by the police?
A: Yes, that is currently the expectation. Unless the situation worsens dramatically, you should not have to worry about the armed forces being deployed with shoot-to-kill orders.
Questions on food and supplies
Q: I panic-bought truckloads of toilet paper, but it seems you can’t actually eat it? What do I do with it now?
A: That is correct, you cannot eat toilet paper. Hang on to it for now. If times get really tough, you might want to smoke it.
Q: I hoarded cash in case the banks have to close down, not realizing that banknotes are a petri dish for the virus. How can I get rid of it? Can I call the NHS or Army to destroy my contaminated cash?
A: I have a simpler solution for you. Feel free to send all your unwanted cash to me and I will be sure to …uh … dispose of it in the best possible manner.
Q: I read somewhere that we should consider online shopping instead of going to the supermarket. Well, it seems half the country is “considering” it and the supermarkets can’t cope. How can I secure a delivery slot online?
A: Delivery slots do sell out quickly. To secure one of the coveted slots, follow these simple instructions: 1) Get up in the middle of the night. 2) Go onto the supermarket website. 3) Be prepared to stare at your computer screen for several hours. Don’t blink unless your eyes are extremely dry and remember: this is NOT the time to take breaks to make a cup of coffee or use the facilities. 4) Refresh your browser every 2 seconds. 5) As soon as a new slot becomes available, click on it. 6) If you get an error message along the lines of “We apologize for the technical problems”, it simply means that some of the other five million or so shoppers who had the same idea were a milli-fraction of a second faster than you. Do not despair, as you can 7) Rinse and repeat for a few dozen more nights until that slot is all yours!
Q: I would very much like to shop “responsibly” and only buy the items I need. But how do I know how much food and supplies and which items I need?
A: That is a tough question. Even people like me who build 20-gigabyte spreadsheets for a living struggle to work it out, as there are just too many variables involved. The amount you should buy obviously depends on factors such as the number of mouths you need to feed, your size and activity level (as this determines nutrient requirements as well as your ability to stand up to other panic shoppers) and of course — apologies if this is a sensitive subject — just how much longer you expect to live. The ideal composition of your inventory is even trickier, as it depends on the exact manner in which the apocalypse will unfold. Do you expect the utilities to continue working? Pasta does not turn to stale dust as quickly as crackers and cereals do, but it’s useless if you can’t cook it. On the other hand, cereal is not much fun if you run out of milk, one of the most impossible-to-get-hold of items. And a freezer full of food amidst a power outage — well, I will leave your imagination to fill in the blanks. If you really want to be on the safe side, you have no choice but to do what everyone else is doing: buy anything you can get your hands on, including additional refrigerators, warehouses and inventory management software as needed.
